A Girl's Guide To God
My story isn’t new, unique or extraordinary. It is actually quite ordinary and all too familiar to women. Girl with daddy issues meets man…many, actually. Whether in her personal or professional life, she works hard for acceptance and approval but never finds it. Just glimpses here and there. Words that appease or actions that may meet the immediate need for recognition come in spurts but she remains wounded. Scarred. Always trying to outperform or be good enough for the affection she craves but consistently falls short. Why she believes the acceptance is necessary, even vital, is based on cultural as well as religious conditioning. Years of trying to figure out why the message she is being told does not align with how she feels about herself or about other girls she knows.
Why are there limits for girls and not for boys? Why is “like a girl” a derogatory term?
I wish I could say that this insecurity is completely healed in my life. I know that healing is available. I know that I am not where I used to be when it comes to acceptance. I know that it is my hope to be completely healed and whole, no longer feeling the stings of rejection but until that time, I will walk out this life in anticipation of what I see in the Word. I have a lifetime of wounds and unmet expectations. I am not in despair nor dismayed because I have the hope that only comes from my relationship with God through Christ and live each day with the Holy Spirit. It is not that this life I long for is not available to me, it is. Unfortunately for me and for those closest to me, I do not always choose to stay aligned to the Holy Spirit. It is a choice. God does not force this freedom onto anyone yet it is available to everyone.
The deeper the wounds, the deeper the healing and the longer it takes for some of us.
Without submitting my natural tendencies to the Holy Spirit and how I am instructed… prompted… prodded to respond to people or events, my tongue is harmful. Very harmful. Sarcastic. Quick retorts. Judgmental. My daughters call it “the face”. I had an employer once tell me I could make someone feel “too stupid to live”. That is not now nor has ever been my intent. I nervously joke about it – “Well if the shoe fits,” but I really do not mean that. You will hear me quite often say, “Why would anyone give me that much power?” After years of working through it and recognizing when it happens, I realize it is actually my confused-and-trying-to-process-what-just-happened face. That does not make it any less offensive to the person on the receiving end. I have spent years digging out why. Going deep into the root so I can understand myself better and how to turn reactions and defense mechanisms into encouraging words and support.
But still I don’t always walk in victory that God has for me.
I cannot change what I did in the past, or what I believed in the past about myself, about others and most especially about what the Bible teaches about me as woman. I have been deceived. Not because I am a woman but because I am a human being created for relationship with the Creator who loves me but hated by an enemy that only wishes to kill, steal and destroy that relationship. I can only move forward with new mercies and grace each day. I have sought forgiveness for those I have hurt in the past. Some have forgiven me. Others have not. They have their own journeys to walk. It is painful to watch what unforgiveness does to a person. It is more painful for those who have not yet forgiven to experience the ongoing pain of the hurt. I understand that as I was once walking that same road of bitterness and unforgiveness. Perhaps you are there now.
Becoming Truly Liberated.
I have been wrestling with writing this book and others for many years. I started writing under Truly Liberated almost 20 years ago. I am not an expert. I am not a theologian. I am not as victorious as I know I can be but I have been dedicated to finding the truth about how God sees women for many years. I am confused by our culture and many religious leaders with their insistence in teaching contrary to what I see so clearly in the words of the Bible. The ideology of the patriarchy is not consistent with the scriptures of the Bible. Still, God loves me right where I am in the messy brokenness and imperfection of walking this salvation out. Even though I still struggle with many of the same issues, I am not where I started. Lots of stops and starts – distraction, rebellion, disobedience. Just as the scriptures warns me to not look in the mirror, see my problems then walk away forgetting what I just saw, I still do that at times.
Who am I to write this book?
Who is going to listen to someone who doesn’t have it all together yet?
Who do I think I am?
These are the voices that have long been battling in my mind but this time there is a sense of urgency. This time God is revealing the ripple effect for me, for my loved ones and the world around me showing me what will happen if I continue to ignore the leading of the Holy Spirit.
I asked God, “Why am I writing this book? What do you want me to say? What is important to tell women like me? People like me? People who seem to start to walk in victory with you only to be deceived and distracted again. Over and over. To know the goodness, the potential, the amazing grace that is offered by having this unfathomable personal relationship with you, my Creator and my Redeemer. You came and walked among us to fulfill the requirement to bring humanity back in to right standing with you. Only your holy blood could wash away the actions of humanity – our rebellion. Our sin. I can be so foolish. I can be so stubborn. I can be so rebellious. What can I tell others that would matter?”
He answered, “The truth.”
Pressing forward toward the goal of God’s high calling to be an ambassador of mercy and grace, I have written A Girl’s Guide to God. Becoming Truly Liberated in a World of Lies by the Patriarchy. It is an easy to follow guide in exploring the foundational Biblical truths I have discovered on my personal journey from bondage to freedom as a woman in this ever changing world.
