Give the Gift of Healthy Love for Christmas...and Beyond

Want to give your spouse a gift that will keep on giving beyond Christmas Day? Then give the gift of healthy romantic love. How?

I am so glad you asked!

In an article entitled “The 3 Core Skills that Every Person Needs for Healthy Romantic Relationships” Dr. Joanne Davila has identified 3 skills for healthy romantic love: Insight, Mutuality and Emotional Regulation. What is so exciting is that all three of these skills are skills we are called to practice in our Christian lives!

Insight

This is about knowing yourself,  knowing what your wants and needs and motivations; it is also knowing your partner’s wants and needs. I Peter 3:7 tells husbands to “dwell with your wives according to knowledge”; this implies understanding their wives’ needs and wants. Wives are told to submit to or serve their husbands in love (Ephesians 5:22). To serve anyone effectively requires insight into their needs and wants.

According to Dr. Davila Insight also means knowing the consequences, negative or positive that my behavior will have upon my relationship. So, If my wife makes me breakfast, and brings it to me in my office while I am working (because she knows I have not eaten all morning) and I say “Thank you babe… I was just thinking ‘ I am so hungry!” I know that this will nurture feelings of appreciation both in me and in her. However, if I say to Karen ‘Why did you bring this to me now…can’t you see I am working!  I don’t have time to eat this!” This will likely elicit feelings of hurt, irritability or even anger.

Knowing the likely consequences of your actions can help you determine the best course of action to take. Proverbs 4:26 gives us some instruction in how we can develop this insight. “Ponder the path of your feet and let all your ways be established.”  This type of Insight means making an investment of times for quiet reflection and contemplation of one’s actions and behaviors. But trust me - this investment of time will pay huge dividends in your relationship!

Mutuality

Mutuality is knowing that both you and your partner has needs and wants and that both of your needs and wants matter. What does the Bible say? Philippians 2:4 says “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others” This is mutuality!

Dr. Davila in her article tells us that mutuality also means “Being able to convey your own needs and wants in a clear, direct fashion; this increases the likelihood of will get them met”. Being clear and direct means asking specifically for what you want or need -not being indirect or vague about it.

For instance, let’s say you have a presentation to give and you feel nervous about it. You would like your spouse to go with you for emotional support. So you say to your spouse “Would you like to go with me to my presentation?” and your spouse says “No”. Then you get upset “They don’t love me, they never support me! I am always there for them -they are never there for me!”

See the problem? You didn’t ask for what you really needed or wanted. You were indirect and vague. Here is the direct and clear way to ask: “I am really feeling nervous about my presentation tonight. Would go with me? Just seeing you there will help me feel more comfortable and confident. Will you go with me and be my emotional support?” When we are vague and indirect, we often feel and think (if our spouse doesn’t get it) “Well if they really loved me they would just know!”

This requires mind reading – and really doesn’t work. Practicing mutuality is the key to getting our needs met and meeting the needs of our spouse.

Emotional Regulation:

Emotional regulation is the ability to choose what you will feel in response to an event happening in your relationship. How do we do that? One way is to mentally rehearse the response you want to have in relationship to your spouse.

In the early years of my marriage sexual intimacy was a huge difficulty due to the sexual abuse my wife Karen experienced as a child. She hated sex and didn’t want to be touched. Of course as a new husband I was greatly frustrated and would get angry. I would get out of bed and go downstairs and pray until I felt better and then go back to bed.

This happened many times. One night after this happened, while I was again in prayer I felt like the Lord put on my heart “Don’t jump out of bed due to anger again” I thought “God…how?”

And I was reminded of what I had been learning about renewing my mind through mental rehearsal. So each day I began practice responding to Karen with calmness, and peace, kissing her on the cheek and saying “It’s okay”. I rehearsed this over and over and over for weeks. One night as I reached for her she turned from me again. This time rather than getting upset I responded calmly…with peace! I kissed her on the cheek and say “It’s okay” I was amazed! I responded exactly as I had rehearsed! Years later after we had overcome this problem, I asked when it changed for her. She said, “When you stopped getting out of bed angry” Wow! Emotional regulation (and the wisdom of God) saved the day!

Research tells us that using these 3 skills creates greater experiences of comfort, security, and better mental health.

It creates healthier people and consequently healthier relationships.So this Christmas -give the gift of healthy love by being more insightful, exercising more mutuality and practicing emotional regulation. It is a gift that will keep on giving!