Restoring Hope to the Heart

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but when the desire comes it is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12)

“When hope is crushed the heart is crushed but a wish that comes true fills you with joy”

(Proverbs 13:12 Good News Translation)

When it comes to relationships one of the most important elements is to have is hope. Hope biblically speaking is a “confident expectation of good to come”.  Being confident about a good to come creates in us an optimistic outlook about our future. This optimistic outlook in turn creates motivation that energizes and moves us to act and live in ways that make that future happen.

So hope is vitally important to life - it gives us the emotional fuel to make good things happen.

But what happens when we are disappointed and discouraged because what we hoped for and expected does not happen? What happens when our dreams are crushed and broken?

Proverbs 13:21 (quoted above) gives us some insight. Though I think we all know through personal experience. Hope that is crushed-crushes us. When our hope is dashed we become disappointed, and distraught, and can even fall into despair. We lose our motivation to act. We become pessimistic about the future and we begin to think, “Why even try?”

I have been there. How about you? And this really becomes problematic when we are dealing with relationships. In relationships we face disappointments, hurts, and pain. This makes it difficult to be optimistic about our relationships - to be motivated to keep trying. Or to feel optimistic about having a great relationship in the future after a previous relationship has ended.

• How do we overcome the disappointment of past relationships or relationships gone wrong?

• How do we regain the hope so we can be motivated to work on current relationships, or look to the future with the optimism that we can and will one day have a wonderful relationship again?

• How do we restore hope to our hearts?

I have found that one of the most effective ways to deal with disappointment and move the heart back to hope is to own the story you tell yourself about what happened to you - and then re-tell that story. I once heard a speaker say, “There is no pain or pleasure outside of the stories we tell ourselves.” Disappointment is one of the pains we experience - but the pain is a result of the story we tell ourselves about what has happened to us. This means that it is not what happens to us that creates the disappointment. What creates the ongoing emotional pain of disappointment is the story we tell and continue to tell about what has happened.

Now this is not for condemnation. Nor am I suggesting that it is wrong to be disappointment or hurt when things don’t happen or turn out as we desired. What I am saying is that if the disappointment holds you back from moving forward, from embracing your opportunities, and possibilities - then you have a choice about what to do in order to deal effectively with your disappointment and restore your heart to hope.

We can tell a different story. Here’s how.

1. Identify for yourself: “What is the story I am telling myself about what has happened to me?”

Examples:  “I’ll never be happy again”, “Men/women can’t be trusted” I’ll always be alone - I am not worthy to be loved”,etc. What are the thoughts you are consistently having day in and day out? Those thoughts are your story. And they are creating your pain. They are creating your ongoing disappointment.

2.

Write your story down. Get it out of your head. But write it in a special way.

Write your story as if you are writing about someone else. Write the story in the 3rd person voice. Use your name - but write it as if you are writing someone else’s story. This helps you to create some emotional distance between you and what happened. This distance helps you to think more clearly about what happened - and helps begin the process of healing from the disappointment. Example: “Michael was hurt by what his wife said. He was hurt that she wanted a divorce after only 3 weeks of marriage. And he cried - he felt his dream was over, and he did not know what to do. Michael wondered over and over what he had done that caused his wife to not love him?”

Accept full responsibility for the story.

Accept and tell yourself, “I am telling this story, I am creating this story -I am creating this ongoing disappointment. And I can change it! I can tell a different story!”

4.

Decide you will be hopeful because you choose to, and this is how you want to feel. Make that decision!

5. Identify and begin to tell the new story that will help you to feel the hope once again.

When you tell the new story tell this story also in the 3rd person present voice - as if you are telling the new hope story of someone else (who has your name!). Tell a story about the future that you like and even love. Example: “Michael realized this was not his fault. It was nothing he did. This was caused by all the abuse his young bride had experienced. But could He love her after being rejected? Could he go on? Yes. He knew he could. He knew that the love of God was in him and that through Christ he was empowered to do the will of God - which was to love his young bride”. Make sure you are now the hero of your new story - not the victim.

6.

Now after you have written your new hero story in the 3rd person voice, read over it.

Do you like it? Does it inspire hope? If not keep tweaking the story until it does. And when you have it just the way you like – re-write it. This time rewrite the story in the first, person present tense. Write it from an “I” perspective. Example; “I can do this! Christ lives in me and empowers me! The love of God dwells within me. I can love my wife and I do love my wife as Christ loves me! And I forgive her. And as far as it lies in me I will be with her all the days of my life.”

7.

As you read this new story in the first, person present tense -are you inspired, are you more hopeful?

If not keep tweaking the story until you are. If you are inspired and more hopeful -then read this story each day until it becomes your natural way of thinking and feeling. Focusing on and reading out loud your new story to yourself in the first person will make it a reality within you.

You have within you a wonderful ability - the ability to tell stories that shape how you feel and how you navigate life. Use this ability to leave the pain of disappointment behind and restore your heart to hope.