My first love does not wear dirty socks. Whew!
Ugh! If my mind is not engaged I can get bored really easily and feel restless. That’s probably why waiting rooms can feel like such an awful experience. The waiting period, with nothing to do, but also just wanting to get on with it already can feel like they drag on foreeeevvveerr. Waiting is definitely one of those areas I need improvement in. I mean seriously, what did we do in waiting rooms before cell phones lol?
Often I have felt this after my divorce. This feeling of “welp that’s over and now I’m just waiting for the next man to come along.” But I had to ask myself - am I though? I have a lot of healing still to do from not only my second divorce, but from other relational trauma from the past. If I’m honest, I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now - well, I’m not ready for the type of relationship I desire just yet. God is still working out some things in his girl! I have some work to do on me so that I can be a healthy and good life partner. Which led me to ask in prayer then, what am I waiting for? And I believe the guiding voice of the Holy Spirit has led me to some thoughts.
Singleness is more than just limbo or lingering listlessly in the waiting room before marriage. Singleness has far more significance than that. Singleness, like marriage, is also a beautiful picture of God and his plan. Yes, singleness has practical significance in terms of single people sometimes having more time to do things and fewer commitments, but even that is not entirely true. Ask any one of my fellow single moms or single entrepreneurs - we may be single in that we aren’t married but the commitment load can be just as intense and our time just as limited. So while singleness has some practical significance, it is grasping its theological significance that will get you through the lonely days, help you reconfigure your perception of your singleness, and prepare you for marriage - if that is your desire - or buoy you in your lifelong singleness if that is what you want or what God has called you to.
Singleness, like marriage, provides a beautiful picture of who God is, what he is doing, and what it means to have a relationship with him. Christian celibacy directs our attention to the priority of the Church. We are Christ’s beloved first before we are anyone else’s. We are chosen, set apart, and adopted into God’s Kingdom as His daughters and therefore co-heirs with Christ. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross was to bring us back into right relationship with our Heavenly Father and restore us to our first love.
You are not isolated in your singleness, not only are there other single Christian women to connect with, but you also have the great joy of being able to pursue your first love unhindered. The responsibilities of marriage can distract you from pursuing God as you pursue your spouse. It can be easy to choose to watch a movie with your spouse instead of spending time in prayer or reading the Word aka spending time with your first love. Building a strong, solid foundation of seeking first the Kingdom, while you are single, will make it easier for you to continue building that foundation together with your significant other when you are in a committed marriage relationship.
Falling in love with your first love teaches you not only how to fall in love but also how to continue to love well. Leaning on and learning from the love of your heavenly Father will help you receive and give love to your partner as well. When we seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, all these things are added to us. God is not unaware or unmoved by your desire for a spouse. He may be seeking to draw you in closer so that He can lavish you with His love so that you don’t make an idol of your marriage, but instead, you see it as a partnership to bring Him glory.
I know you have asked Him for a spouse and even given him your list of requirements and requests, but have you asked God what he is teaching you in this season?
Have you asked him to develop your character and show you what real love is?
Have you asked him what He is teaching you or doing in you right now?
Have you planted your roots in his love and are you expectant for the fruit that he will produce in and through you in your singleness be it for a season or for a lifetime?
I determined to ask God these questions. Instead of asking Him only for a mate, I determined to seek first His Kingdom and trust that He will add all the things including the spouse I desire, but my focus is first on my first love. I determined to seek His face and asked Holy Spirit to help me be obedient to what God is calling me to do now.
I have been more fruitful in this last year of singleness than I was in 5 years of marriage. No cap. And I have not lacked any good thing.
I have discovered, nurtured, and developed friendships that have strengthened me in Christ and partnered with me in life.
I have friends willing to invest in the lives of my children and help ease the burden of parenting.
I have spent more time with my boys and gotten not only to impart wisdom, training, and knowledge but also to get to know them and see God at work in them.
I have had more time to spend in the Word and study it and get to know my first love and in turn, I have allowed Him to love on me. He has taught me things about myself that I didn’t know before, he has reminded me of my worth and has whispered words of love in my ear. He has drawn near on the nights I have cried and he has provided the resources I have needed; be that money for a bill, someone to fix my car or shovel me out of the snow, an offer to take the boys bowling or to a sporting event or a call to check-in and have some adult conversation. All I thought I lacked I am finding in and through my relationship with my first love —God.
Does that mean it is always easy and that I never have difficult days? Most certainly not! But it does mean that just as I would turn to my spouse in those moments, I am learning to turn to God. He is the One after all that can work ALL things out and that has solutions for everything!
The added bonus is that I don’t have to pick up after him, hear him chew, listen to him snore or smell his morning breath. Lol
Some practical things I do:
Set a specific day/time during the week when I sit down with my journal, have coffee or tea, and the Lord and I chat. I talk and also keep quiet and listen.
I am intentional about spending time reading my Bible in order to get to know my first love better.
Spending time in praise and worship
Making myself available and open to God sending me a man after His own heart. Serving at church, and attending faith-based events i.e. being in places I could potentially meet my future husband.
In the book of Ruth when Boaz came back home, he found Ruth working. She wasn’t laying around eating bonbons and waiting for a man to rescue her. Boaz found her as she was obediently going about her business. Lord, may my Boaz find me doing your Kingdom work when you connect us. When my future husband finds me may it be to add to an already rich and full life and not to “provide escape” from an insignificant, unfulfilling one. Amen.
In this process, I am learning patience and how to give myself grace in this area. It is a work in progress and I don’t always get it right. But as long as I keep coming back to my Father and continue trusting in his timing and being obedient to his leading…I have no doubt he will position me at the right time, in the right place to receive His answer to my (and my future husband’s) prayer.
I want a man that will fight for me, that will pursue my heart and that knows me intimately inside and out. A man with whom I can be myself without reservation and with no judgment. A man that desires me for me, not for what I can do for them or what’s in between my legs. God is all that and more!! He desired me so much He was willing to die for me! He gave it all for me. He loves me without reservation and without judgment, whether I have my tooth in or not. I can’t think of any greater love than that.
