Digging with Invisible Shovels — The Everyday Crown Rocker

One day after being off social media for a few days I open up my profile and the first post that came across my timeline was one from my half-sister whom I share the same father.

Social media Post:

Today would have been my grandmother's 95th birthday. She's been gone 15 years and I still miss her like yesterday. My grandma smelled like Chantilly, peppermint, and menthol cigarettes. She made the best German chocolate cake. She had gold in her dentures, and I thought she was rich and hip. She never grayed. She drank an occasional Stag, but I never saw her actually drink it. She taught me how to sew and would let me go to work with her as a matron for an all girls' high school. She fed me all my favorite foods, let me jump in the bed, and let me read at the table. And even though she mostly listened to talk radio, she let me listen and sing songs like this (even though I had no idea what it meant 😂) I miss her so much. I hope you are resting well Lil Mae (Liller Mae Terry 2/20/22-2/17/02).

After reading the post! I sent her a private message. Part of the message was as follows”

Me: Hey sister! Which grandma were you referring to

Sister: Your grandma silly... Daddy's Momma.

Me: I didn’t even know her name until today. I never knew her!

Her: WOW! I didn’t know that. I just assumed…well so much for assumptions

How can you miss what you never had? How can you mourn someone you never knew? Well, in that moment I missed her and mourned her. I missed and mourned a relationship that never happened. I missed and mourned her favorite color and sharing mine. I missed and mourned a love for baking and wondering if that was something we shared. Just maybe we could have shared, enlightened, embraced and enhanced each other’s lives. I never got a chance to learn “herstory”! Her truth. Her reality that only SHE could communicate with her words, thoughts and feelings.

As I began to reread the post my eyes closed and I could vividly see, feel, and smell everything she wrote about. Tears began to fall uncontrollably. My t-shirt was filled and although I wanted to stop crying I could not. With every tear there was a release, a cleansing. For every past her I thought about, for every time I wanted to hug her and couldn’t, for every event in my life I couldn’t share with her, for every summer we could have spent together, for every mother’s day, birthday, and holiday we didn’t share. For not being able to share my children and for them to know her as a great grand mother. Every description of her being. And at that moment although I would never physically meet her, I believe her spirit gave me something, sent me something we both needed. An opportunity to know, an opportunity to connect and opportunity to forgive. I knew at that moment a hole in my heart was finally healed. A hole that had unknowingly been there that had become a part of my existence. A not so pleasant part of the rejection and abandonment I had felt my entire life.

Generational cycles of dysfunction due to abandonment and rejection exist within families for different reasons. We unknowingly carry on these cycles by refusing to address even those things that we think don’t affect us. However, I challenge you to begin to think on those things that may be buried and bring things to the surface. You just may find the link to a hole you have not healed. Once the hole is exposed you can’t leave it open there is work that must be done. Bur don’t go at it alone. Journaling is always a starting point of getting down on paper your feelings. However, don’t stop there consider these few things.

I know this sounds strange in dealing with family dysfunction and for some this may not be possible. But if it is it can be an important part of healing open holes. Not looking for someone to validate but to listen, share and help you process in your truth. We all have that one or two people in our family that allow us to be ourselves. You know that one that always seems to “keep it a little more real” than the other. For me to be able to continue the conversation with the sister mentioned inside and outside of the message allowed me to open up to a new level of healing. One that was not validated by my own dysfunction but to heal, release, and discontinue cycles.

Yes, it sounds weird, but the 21 Day Soul Detox Experience through Color Your Soul founded by LaTara V. Bussey gave me an avenue to begin to break through some of the blurriness caused by the clutter of dysfunction. It is not only a starting point but an avenue of continued support and new revelation as you process.

Where do I begin? Why not partner with a strategist! Hey that’s Me! As a Family Transformation Strategist I can work with you to begin to chart your own path to healing from dysfunction. Tackling Family Dysfunction & the Breaking Free From the Dysfunction Within programs will help you dig deep and explore what dysfunctional cycles exist and what practical tools and resources will assist in your journey.

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