Until Next Time...
She could feel it when he left this time. Even though she was totally engaged in another activity and not physically in the same room, she could literally feel his presence leave her heart. Her breath left her body in an inaudible gasp as she willed her mind to be still and concentrate on the task at hand.
“Stiff upper lip, stay grounded, focus”, she said to herself.
Her hands worked with skill and deftness, finding the trigger points that needed attention and giving them the permission they so desperately needed to lay calm and serene. How thankful she was for this calling that served presently as an automatic distraction allowing her mind to flit above the reality happening in the next room.
Her youngest son was leaving home, again. He was gathering his meager belongings accumulated in 21 years of living and stepping into his next opportunity that would take place in a different state. She knew this day would come again. When he left for the first time earlier it had almost killed her. This time, there was every chance that it would kill her. She could feel the darkness calling to her, serenading her with promises of forgetfulness and escape. Dying from a broken heart always seemed so dramatic, so surreal, until it was her heart that was being shattered. The darkness reminded her she was to blame for the pain.
Her work was finally complete. The re-entry into her home confirmed what her heart had told her an hour ago, he was gone. Before she had gone to work, she had held the tears in check as she held her “baby”, lavishing him with heartfelt blessings and words of strength that should have been said years ago but weren’t.
Now, she stood at the door looking out to where his car had been parked for the last 31 months and she let the tears flow. Tears for lost time that could never be regained. It was in this moment of grief and weakness that the darkness took it’s best shot. The dark played a tempting hand and hopelessness was offered like a temporary amnesia to the hurt that cut her to the very core. Truthfully, she considered it for a moment, a quick dance with the devil....
Suddenly, there was a thought, a nuance really. A word pinged her subconscious so subtly it was almost imperceptible…
Hope. That was it.
Like a tiny spark, a newborn’s faint cry, there was this word, Hope.
It was being whispered to her heart; take a hold of HOPE.
Personal experience had shown her that the dark only offered empty promises, not even worth the energy it took to form the thoughts. Still, the darkness called to her and volleyed fiery arrows at her vulnerable place of pain. Choosing the darkness meant choosing everything that came along with it because the darkness never rode in alone; shame and brokenness were its constant companions. She knew that all the good that was rebuilt and shared over the last 3 years would be drowned at the bottom of a vodka bottle if she gave in to that darkness. It was in that moment of clarity, right in the middle of her hurt, that she, that she chose hope. A vision rose up from her heart in which hope was no longer a fleeting, fledgling spark but rather a roaring fire that would empower her to storm the gates of hell to reclaim all the lost time and treasure.
This new hope would equip orphans and free captives, it would fuel their destinies as well as hers and still have power left over to shine on others. This hope would be a force to be reckoned with, a call to holiness and wholeness that would usher in true peace and power to those who would come into contact with it.
Right now she just needed a Kleenex.
For now, it was enough for her to choose to feel, instead of numb. It was a victory to simply let all these emotions wash over her and cling to the promise that she was not, and never had been, alone. It was enough for her to choose hope even if it was only a hopeful whisper. She would choose to embrace hope, even though it meant feeling the pain of lost opportunities, wasted time and sad goodbyes. She now would look at the pain in the eye and thank God for the ability to still feel.... anything.....everything.
